Bitch-O-Scopes

Accurate Astrology Dramatized

Humorous Horoscopes with the Psychic Bitch Flair

Welcome to the NEW Bitch-O-Scopes from Karma's Venom and Janet (Sparrow) Moon! These crazy horoscopes will keep you rolling on the floor laughing, and amaze you with their accuracy.

AriesKARMA SAYS: Airhead, (Aries) You have more mirrors in your abode than anyone should have. The song You're so Vain describes you to a Tee. Menopause will come and go, and you won't even notice, since you're mad at the world more times than not! Making love to you would be fun, if I didn't have to worry that you will fly off the handle with the wrong touch. By the way, I saw a lot hair in the drain. Shouldn't you be worried?

0 Comments

TaurusKARMA SAYS: Boarus, (Taurus) You paid cash for a new car? WOW! It's a Yugo, whoopee! Want to piss off a Boarus? Steal his salt shakers and move his chair two feet to the left. Keep your legs crossed and see how crazy Boarus will get trying to get in! Now watch him turn red. You need to count to ten and give it up. Do it my way for a change!

2 Comments

GeminiKARMA SAYS: My little Grim eye (Gemini) If you would just shut up and listen to me once in your life. You can't leave your clothes in the washer overnight. When you say you will put gas in the truck, go to the gas station and don't change your mind half way there. Putting my hair in an ink well is not funny or cute, and it will not get my attention the way you want. You are so smart. Figure this one out, why do you get invited to parties? So folks don't have to buy ice! You are not as smart as you think you "is."

0 Comments

CancerKARMA SAYS: Cantankerous, (Cancer) Why don't you keep your ass in your castle where you are king? Why can't you do something when you are asked instead of when you want? I am off limits to you, because your plumbing is all wrong. So, go back to balancing your checkbook and leave me alone. Your "wine" gives me a headache!

0 Comments

LeoKARMA SAYS: My little female Geo (Leo) You put a new twist to drama queen! Forgive me, my queen, but I think I like the original drama queens better. I walk on egg shells around you, and do all I can to make you feel so damned important. I have to serve you, and in exchange, you make me laugh with your antics. You do forgive me as you give me the shirt off your back. I know you are full of love, but, do you have to follow me around like a cute little puppy dog?

5 Comments

VirgoKARMA SAYS: Veggie (Virgo) have prune like hands, so they are easy to spot. If your house is a mess, have a party and invite Veggies only. Be sure and have a bountiful supply of hand disinfectant available. It is not likely you will get laid by a Veggie woman, since you will never meet her high standards. Well, maybe if you have fitness magazines laying around and a tape of House M.D. playing when they arrive. Hay Veggie, bring me another glass of wine!

0 Comments

LibraKARMA SAYS: Le Bra, (Libra) I will give you a brand new shinny quarter, if you will just make up you damned mind! You'll probably steal it from me anyway. Don't tell me I look sexy in my red plaid skirt and green stripped blouse, if I don't! You act as if you have an eyelash stuck in your eye at all times. Do you? Put the fangs and finger nails away and steady yourself. I'm still not going out with you. Thank you for calling me sexy!

0 Comments

ScorpioKARMA SAYS: Scorpion, (Scorpio) I can't help myself for being attracted to you. I love the way you cringe, when I look at you with disdain. I admire you for always getting even, no matter how long it takes. Stop the damned crying when you argue with me. It distracts my train of thought. Go ahead and use the whip on yourself, instead of me. I like it that way.

0 Comments

SagittariusKARMA SAYS: Sat on tarious, (Sagittarius) You make me sick with your smiling all the time. I'm tired of watching all your home movies of your vacations, and how you rub our noses in them. It wouldn't kill you to put your gum on the bed post instead of getting a new stick out every morning. You do know I check the medicine cabinet every time you leave my bathroom! I check my friends for hickeys when you leave my home.

0 Comments

CapricornKARMA SAYS: Cap of corn, (Capricorn) You are a nerdy bunch of workaholics, expecting more pay than the next. You measure a man's worth by what he has. In other words, you are the Ebenezer Scrooges of the world. You Cap of corn men have no idea how to treat a lady, so it is good you work all the time. That leaves your cap a corn women for us to love, and boy are they a loving handful! To all the rest of you in the Zodiac, find yourself a cap of corn woman, and you you will never be happier! She will love you to death, while bringing home a nice paycheck.

2 Comments

AquariusKARMA SAYS: Aquarium (Aquarius), you dream too much, and I can't figure what you're going to do next. When I'm around you, I want to throw up. You are repulsive! Quit trying to change the world. It is fine the way it is. You drive my medical insurance up, because you rule science and the doctors. You don't do a very good job of it, or my medical insurance would be cheaper. Because you walk your own path and often dress funny, I have to buy new clothes just to try and keep up. You don't need to be the first all the time! You are a real drain on my finances!

0 Comments

PiscesKARMA SAYS: Pieces (Pisces) You need to stay out of my head, and if you insist on controlling my dreams, make them wet ones! You try to rescue the crack head, and become one yourself. Quit it! You need to run your life, and leave everyone else to ruin theirs. I have a mother so I don't need you to tell me what is best, or what to do!

0 Comments

Bitch-O-Scopes are complimentary of Karma's Venom and Janet (Sparrow) Moon. You can find out more about them and read more funny forecasts (and some serious stuff too) at Zodiac Brat. Bitching Blaze (aka Janet Moon) and Karma's Venom have started a brand new website filled with funny astrology forecasts, compatibility tests, and a little serious astrology too. Visit ZodiacBrat Now!

Bitch-O-Scopes reprinted with permission from Zodiac Brat

Astrology on a More Serious Note